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Its all Relative

The First Holiday with Your Newly Acquired Family By Nicholas aretakis

You were raised in an observant Jewish family, but you’ve married a Midwestern guy whose family is Lutheran. Guess what his mom is cooking for Christmas? Ham. This is just the beginning! The first holiday with your newly-acquired family is bound to be a minefield of faux pas, etiquette quandaries and eggshell-treading moments.

So here’s my advice: Have fun with it. If your new partner loves you, chances are his or her family will too. (Or maybe they won’t.) But remember: You didn’t choose your new family any more than your partner did.

Consider a worst case scenario: The family is making mental notes about you—the way you look, communicate, your credentials as a potential husband/wife to their precious loved one,

whether they‘d be honored or humiliated to have you as part of their extended family, etc. The best you can do is demonstrate respect and admiration for your significant other. His or her relatives

will observe most closely how you treat their family member, and how happy he or she is with you.

Another thing to remember is that holidays are supposed to be joyful—not stressful—times. Even if you don’t celebrate this particular holiday, or don’t celebrate it in this way, the mere fact

that all these people have come together with you is a tribute to the importance of your love relationship and the holiday itself. Try to see this event in a positive light, and you’ll have an easier time of it. Ask your significant other questions if their traditions are foreign to you, so you can be prepared.

Here are 15 more tips to help you navigate around those landmines at your first holiday with the new in-laws. Don’t pull a Ben Stiller. Avoid calamities à la Ben Stiller in Meet the Parents, like being so uptight that you go overboard, exaggerating details of your livelihood or how wonderful you

are—details that cannot be substantiated. Just be yourself. When in doubt, look at your lover and remember that he or she is your ally and picked you for some very good reasons.

you did was ask questions and listen, most of your in-laws would leave with a very agreeable impression of you.

Mind the parents It may be more fun to chat with that kooky red-headed cousin, but be sure to spend time with your significant other’s parents and siblings; they should be the first priority. Get some backgrounder tips from your partner beforehand so you can begin conversations with, “I understand you and your wife met at a pro football game,” or “I hear you love opera.”

Sniff out the “nosies” There’s always at least one nosy relative who wants to do some fishing for problems in your bloodline or scandals in your past. Don’t fall for it. To avoid revealing things you’ll later regret, make a mental list beforehand of taboo topics, and prepare diversionary conversations to steer the talk elsewhere.

Be moderate Don’t make a slob out of yourself by overeating or indulging in too much alcohol. Limit yourself to one or two drinks, then convert to water or a soft drink.

Watch the time Be sure to stay an appropriate amount of time—you don’t want to leave prematurely, nor do you want to overstay your welcome.

Help the host and hostess Offer to step out and buy more ice, clear the table and help with dishes, or entertain the kids. You could have the wrong education, ethnicity and religion for this new family, but if you’re helpful, then you’ll be perceived as “blending.”

Follow up with a thank-you card or call Make sure to tell your guests or your hosts within two or three days that you enjoyed their company.

Make light—or make nothing—of your own dietary obstacles If you encounter something you don’t like or can’t eat or drink, simply abstain. If you are questioned, be prepared with a neutral—noninsulting—answer, such as, “I’m not a big fan of beef, but I love these side dishes.”

The most important thing is being happy and compatible with your significant other But it can be a real bonus if you genuinely enjoy the company of potential future in-laws and relatives. If you make a good first impression, it makes life so much easier on your partner, and also makes the holidays a time to look forward to instead of dread.

Nicholas Aretakis is a top-selling author whose newest book is “Ditching Mr. Wrong: How to End a Bad Relationship and Find Mr. Right” (Next Stage Press, 2008, DitchingMrWrong.com).