Sex

Couples: Unlocking the keys to female sexual intimacy

By Daniel Stein M.D., F.A.C.O.G

Does anyone have the perfect relationship? What defines the ideal relationship anyway? These are questions couples ask themselves everyday-especially when they realize that romance is no longer a focal point in their lives.

” Only eight percent [of married couples] have sex with their partners three or four times a week or more. The doctors describe this as ‘a significant public health problem.’ “

Many factors can chip away at a relationship that was once strong. Money is the first problem. Financial stress attacks not only our heads and pocketbooks, but our relationships as well. Another problem that plagues couples is poor communication. The word “communication” may sound cliché, but as I tell my patients every day, a couple that is unable to communicate as best friends, is like a couple that is unable to hold one another as lovers. However, of all the critical issues involved in “dry” relationships, the one that stands out is lack of intimacy the utter inability for couples to desire each other in a physical, passionate manner.

Despite what popular culture tells us, America is uncomfortable with discussing issues of intimacy. Sociologists Robert Michael, John Gagnon and Edward Laumen in the authoritative tome “Sex in America” state that we are “a society full of desires that fail to be realized.” There just isn’t as much sex taking place as people think there is. The most sexually active people are married couples and only 45 percent of them have sex a few times a month. One third has sex with their partner a few times a year or not at all. Only eight percent have sex with their partners three or four times a week or more. The doctors describe this as “a significant public health problem.”

Is it that we’re embarrassed to deal with intimacy, or is it simply too difficult of a subject to discuss? While we are bombarded by sex in day-to-day public life, many of us have trouble discussing it in private. Of course, doctors acknowledge the importance of sex, but they are only addressing one-half of the problem.

Fear lies in communication about often uncomfortable topics.Men shudder at the word “erectile dysfunction.” Indeed, this is a physical and psychological disorder that affects vast numbers of males, but fortunately, medications like Viagra® have provided assistance with the problem. Yet men are not the only ones affected by disorders of desire; women also face physical and emotional challenges that need to be addressed.

It’s a common notion that sexuality is pretty simple for men: a rise in hormonal testosterone, an erection and a release. For women, we’re often told it’s more complex, with other factorsinvolved, including emotions, perceptions, mood and sense of herself and her partner. However, evolution and science tell us this isn’t the whole truth. A woman’s sexuality is just as organized around her testosterone as her male counterpart’s. Testosterone ignites the fire of desire in a woman just like it does in a man. It is the very foundation of her ability to become sexually aroused.

When a man is sexually dysfunctional, it is difficult, if not impossible for him to perform during intercourse. This is not true for women a sexually dysfunctional woman can still engage in sex, even if she neither enjoys the rush of excitement or shared joy that come with the heat of passion. However, since “engage” is often the keyword when discussing sex, doctors and researchers have largely ignored women. And since there are still scores of people who believe that women do not experience physical orgasms as difficult as this may be to grasp we find ourselves at a medical crossroads.

When I founded the The Stein Women’s Center in 1979, I set out to change these preconceived notions about female sexuality. Experts estimate that more than 40 million women suffer from sexual challenges. According to some, at any one time almost half of all women are experiencing reduced desire, arousal or orgasmic ability. My research has determined that the stress and pressure of today’s society is turning sexual issues that used to be associated with menopausal women into common conditions affecting women in their 20s, 30s and 40s. Women today face a litany of factors that can deflate their intimate aspirations and  sexual desire: stress, hormone imbalance, relationship problems, lifestyle/career choices or physical conditions such as pregnancy, menopause or the use of prescription medicine like antidepressants (which can reduce desire and inhibit orgasm). The problem is that even though women are gaining more equality in society through increased career opportunities and professional respect, social values are still cemented in the Middle Ages. There are precious few routes for women to take when experiencing sexual problems because of society’s unwillingness to recognize female sexual dysfunctions. The first step to a solution is to understand that female sexual dysfunction is an actual physical disorder.

Doctors could determine the severity of hormone derived female sexual dysfunction by measuring a woman’s testosterone level if accurate tests are readily available. Women who bear low testosterone levels naturally experience a decreased sexual desire.

Unfortunately, contemporary testosterone tests were designed to measure male levels, which are roughly 10 times higher than females. As a result, testosterone tests are notoriously inaccurate and difficult to interpret. However, as a result of society’s discomfort at addressing female sexual issues at a physical level, too few women are given the option of using supplementary natural testosterone. This is true even when research is conducted over a period of several decades, indicating that women who are treated with testosterone replacement in balance with their other hormones achieve an optimal balance of sexual happiness and overall health. A happy and healthy sexual life with your partner is possible. If you are fortunate enough to be with someone you love, share as much of yourself as you can. It is the accumulated history we actively share that bonds us through difficult times of stress, illness and economic problems. But a shared history with a lover won’t necessarily keep the fires roaring, the passions surging and the hormones raging. Loving sexual intimacy is the vital connection between mind, body and spirit. Nourish it, and you can strengthen the bonds that reinforce relationship longevity and vibrance that doesn’t fade with time.

The Modern Day Mistress

An exposé of the “other” woman
BY SHARON LEVINSOHN

FORGET THE NOTION of mistresses clad in frilly lingerie channeling a Marilyn Monroe vibe—they are the exception to the rule. There is a new crop of modern women—who don’t fit that old stereotype—that are happily dating married men. What might have seemed scandalous years ago has become rather commonplace.

It seems that modern day mistresses—girlfriends, really—are on the rise, especially among upscale professional women. If you can wrap your head around this phenomenon, you will be surprised to learn that these women are a lot like you or me. They are educated, working women who just happen to be in love with married men. Consider this tidbit from one savvy attorney in Naples named Laura*, “If you are not sleeping with your husband—especially if he is handsome and/or successful—you can bet that someone else is.”

The facts are alarming: Over half of all marriages end in divorce and another percentage are in trouble. It is no secret that many couples stay together due to financial constraints or because they have children (and don’t want to break up their families). Unfortunately, many marriages just don’t work. Roommate marriages (couples coexisting without sex or passion) are all too common. If you are a healthy, sexual being, you will naturally search for relations outside of your marriage, especially if your marriage has segued into a friendship/roommate situation. It is not surprising that this unhealthy marital climate has given way to the modern day mistress/girlfriend to supplement the lives of sex-deprived married men.

One prominent investment executive in his 50s, named Bob* from Fort Lauderdale, explains, “I’ve spoken with plenty of my colleagues and most of them see nothing wrong with extra-marital sex. Some of them admit that they married the wrong person, while others claim that the passion has simply faded with their wives, and they don’t want a complicated divorce. There are so many attractive, interesting women out there, that it is easy to find someone who truly desires you. Most men don’t want to live without sex and affection, and if they can’t get these things at home, they just naturally look elsewhere.”

Bill*, a successful Orlando-based entrepreneur in his 40s adds, “It’s not like I don’t love my wife, but the physical aspect of our relationship is not part of the equation anymore. She’s busy with her
job, and she’s a great mother, but my wife isn’t that sexual to begin with. I made a conscious decision to keep my family intact—my kids are my priority— so I found someone else that fulfills my sexual and romantic needs. I am lucky that I found a girlfriend who truly understands and accepts the situation. This is a mutually satisfying relationship. When you think about it, she has helped to ‘save’ my marriage.”

If the men are this cavalier, what about the women? Don’t they want more? Do they feel guilty? How do they negotiate these relationships? Consider Susan*, a 43-year-old, Ivy League-educated financial advisor in Miami. She is respected in her field, attractive, smart and funny. She has also been dating a married man for the past five years. She explains, “I fell in love with him the minute I met him at a business networking event. He is everything that I have ever wanted—passionate, compassionate, intelligent and incredibly good at his high-profile job. He is also married with two young children, and he made it clear that he would not get a divorce any time in the near future. He is in a roommate marriage—he and his wife are co-parents but they are not lovers. He even admitted that he wanted to back-out before his wedding, but that he went through with it out of a sense of obligation.” She explains, “I know that it may seem crazy, but our relationship works for us. I have just accepted that you can’t have everything.” She notes that while she experienced feelings of guilt at first, the more she got to know her boyfriend, the guilt just disappeared. Susan continues, “We have an unusual connection on many levels, so I just decided to get involved. He has told me, that before he met me, he never thought that he would feel any real passion again. Life is not black and white anymore—we live in shades of gray. It is really one of the most satisfying relationships of both of our lives.”

Sandy*, a 48-year-old Boca Raton-based marketing pro echoes the same refrain. “When you reach a certain age and you’re single, it is inevitable that you will get involved with a married man. A lot of the men my friends and I have met, feel stuck in loveless marriages, but cannot afford to get divorced and support two households. My boyfriend has worked out an arrangement—everything is out in the open. His wife is content to shop and go out to lunch—she refuses to work— and she knows about me. We plan on marrying when the children are in their teens.”

Sometimes, these relationships actually morph into marriages sooner than later. Just ask Tampa resident Laura*, who recently got engaged to her fiancé John*—who just got divorced. She admits that it was a long road—fraught with frustration (she spent holidays with friends, while he was with his wife and kids) and a lot of sneaking around over the past four years. Despite the obvious difficulties, she is happy that she decided to take a chance that it would work out. “I met him on a business trip—I did not even know that he was married—and we hit it off instantly. After spending a few days together, we jumped into this long distance relationship. I decided to stick it out because I fell in love, and I have never been happier.

I hear my married friends complain all of the time—they don’t feel that they have options—but many of them, who were initially resentful and disapproving of my relationship, have come around. They like him a lot. Our relationship is more mature and more special than any others that I have had—it just took a bit longer for him to extricate himself and weather a rather costly divorce.”

It is interesting to note that all of the women who were interviewed for this story admitted that they never thought they would end up dating married men. They also stressed that they had never dated married men before their current boyfriends. Susan* adds, “At first, I looked down at women who dated married men. I thought that they were desperate, immoral and insecure. Once I met him and fell in love, though, I changed my views. In some cases, these outdated rules are definitely meant to be broken. At the end, it’s all about being really happy and feeling content and loved.”

Dr. Lyn Kaller, a psychologist in private practice in Scarsdale, New York, explains that a lot of these married men justify their affairs through a lie of omission. She says, “It’s easier for them to live with the lie than to tell their wives that they feel lonely or neglected and that they really desire a sexual relationship. Also, many of these men do not realize that their wives are perpetually exhausted and that sex may be the last thing on their minds. A lot of women are carpooling, doing errands, taking care of the kids and the house and working. By the time that they finish dinner, help with homework, and get the kids to bed, they are ready to collapse. Before these men seek out other women, and have affairs, they could try to address the lack of intimacy with their wives. These couples can go to counseling, to better understand each other’s needs and where they are coming from, and they can learn to set aside some time for date nights, which naturally include affection and sex,”explains Kaller. The lack of communication, or the unwillingness to communicate, is what really hurts intimate relationships. Everything can be worked out—couples just need to be honest and to share their feelings.”

On the flip side, it is important to understand why there are so many wives that are hanging on to marriages that don’t include sex but that do include a third person. The majority of the married women who were interviewed for this piece cited money, companionship and convenience as the reasons that they have stayed in their roommate marriages. Others admit that they still love their husbands but have no real nterest in having sex with any consistency.

One prominent Palm Beach wife explains, “We had a great relationship for many, many years. I think that the passion that we had when we were young just naturally dissipated. I love him—and I know that he loves me—but I am not really interested in sex anymore. I’m sure that hormone levels are partly to blame. I told him that as long as he is discreet, he could see omeone else. I also set up some parameters— no one that we both knew and no one in our home town. Funny, but I think this “other woman” takes a lot of pressure off of me. I no longer have to just go through the motions. Since my desire and my sex drive have dropped off dramatically, this was a solution we could both live with. I also happen to know that this arrangement suits many of my friends, as well. Some of us talk about it, while others would never admit that their husbands have someone ‘on the side.’”

Dr Kaller adds, “It’s really about finding what works for you. If you are both happy, living as friends or roommates, and sex is not part of your relationship, that’s okay. If one of you wants sex on a regular basis, and one of you is not interested, there is a problem. You can seek counseling, separate, divorce or seek an outside relationship. But, if you choose the latter, you need to think about what might hapcontinued outside relationship. But, if you choose the latter, you need to think about what might happen when the relationship deepens and the girlfriend/mistress wishes to get married or live together.”

“That’s when it gets more complicated,” notes Bob*, the Fort Lauderdale investment pro. “I had to end a serious relationship, which had gone on for several years, because my girlfriend just got fed up. She wanted to get married and she eventually gave me an ultimatum. I was not willing to get divorced so she walked away. I still miss her, but I would not break-up my family. I decided to put my kids’ needs first.”

Laura*, the Naples attorney, has her own theory about this situation. “You have to realize that every relationship requires negotiation. Couples need to define the terms of their marriage and, as time goes on, redefine those terms. Life changes, desire ebbs and flows and people develop different needs and priorities, so all couples need to adjust to these changes or the relationships will eventually die. Life is made up of a series of choices and it is important for all couples to make choices that they can live with. I know plenty of people who have affairs, while others prefer to muddle through passionless relationships. Many couples choose to get divorced and seek more compatible partners. You only go through life once, so you should try to be happy.”

* All of the names, cities, and defining details have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals who were interviewed for this article.