Social Action

The Million Dollar Race

TWENTY YEARS AGO, Linda Quirk began running as a way to mentally remove herself from an unhappy
family situation. Now, she runs for a cause that she credits with bringing her family together. The 55-year-old Jacksonville grandmother of three is on a campaign to raise $1 million for the addiction scholarship program at Caron Renaissance Institute treatment center in Boca Raton by running a marathon on each of the seven continents. Caron is a non-profit center that helps those addicted to drugs and alcohol to recover.

Quirk’s quest, named” Run 7 on 7,” kicked off with the Boston Marathon in April 2008, and will end with a race on King George Island, on the tip of Antarctica, on March 10. In between, Quirk has hit the ground running in China, Easter Island,Australia, Kenya, and Iceland. Her Web site, Run7on7.com, details her experiences in a blog.

So far, she has raised nearly a quarter of her goal, but remains undaunted if she falls short financially. “I will raise the million dollars, even if I have to go into next year to do it,” she says. She declines to reveal her next adventure, which is already in the works.

When Quirk first began running, she was trying to mentally escape the troubles in her first marriage. Quirk has since realized that her husband at the time was addicted to methamphetamines, but says she was too ignorant to realize that was the root of the difficulties in her marriage. Quirk’s motivation now is to remove the stigma from the illness of addiction, and help others realize there is hope. Her stepdaughter, who has been sober for more than five years, was “more or less on the streets for three years,” suffering from the problems of addiction to methamphetamines, says Quirk. This time, Quirk was a little more aware of the problems of addiction. Like every family who deals with this crisis, there were moments of deep despair and hopelessness. “But I try not to spend too much time dwelling on what got us there,” Quirk says. “I focus on the recovery and what amount of courage and determination she has to have every day in order to stay healthy.” In 1988, Quirk completed her first marathon, and has been on the move ever since, participating in Ironman full and half competitions, as well as marathons and triathlons. An epiphany caused by a bicycle accident during a training ride changed her focus from one centered on herself to one that seeks to reach out to others.

Quirk says she doesn’t remember much about the accident, except what she’s been told by others who were there. “I was going downhill, about 25 miles per hour, when I hit a pothole, and hit the ground head-first,” she says. “I broke practically every bone in my head and was in ICU for three days. As she recovered, Quirk made a vow to participate in the competition in Sweden she had qualified for before the accident, and from there to go on to the Kona, Hawaii Ironman. In Kona, she began her mission to give back to Caron, and raised more than $50,000 for the treatment center during that race. The reaction from others in nearly every country she has competed in this year has amazed her, she says. “It started on the bus going to the staging area for the Boston Marathon. I struck up a conversation with the woman next to me, and when I told her what I was doing, she said ‘Thank you for doing this; I never talked about this, but my brother has a problem with addiction.’” “I know that the fingers are going out there, and conversations are being had, and people are talking about this,” Quirk adds. “That one little conversation where someone is able to talk about it-that’s something I hope comes out of this.”

The idea to participate in marathons on all continents came from a club Quirk belongs to, the Seven Continents Club, established by Marathon Tours & Travel. She chose the particular marathons based on a mix of the timing of the races, and the locales that seemed both exotic and challenging. Of all the countries in her quest, the only one she has visited before is Australia. “I knew I wanted to start in Boston, and I wanted Antarctica to be the last,” she says. “You always question why,” Quirk says of the accident. “But it happened so quickly, I never would have been able to say goodbye to my family. I believe the reason I’m here is so I could do exactly what I’m doing now.”

Her enthusiasm and dedication has involved the entire family, albeit to a lesser degree. Quirk’s stepdaughter supports her efforts by running a 5k race whenever Quirk participates in a marathon. The rest of her blended family, including her two sons from her first marriage and her stepdaughter, also takes part. Her daughter-in-law ran the China marathon; one son and her stepdaughter ran a 10k in Iceland, while her other son ran a halfmarathon in Atlanta. “Even Grandpa pushed a stroller in Iceland for the 10k,” Quirk says.

Along the way, she has been joined by others besides family who want to take part in her mission. One of those participants is Michael Herbert, a primary therapist at Caron Renaissance in Boca Raton for nine years.

“I knew it was an important cause, and I wanted to help out in any way I could,” he says. He chose to join Quirk in Kenya, and though he has been to Africa many times before and lived in Egypt for a year, he found the going to be pretty tough during the marathon. “The experience was much more than I expected,” he says. “It was painfully hard—you want to yell at people in the middle—it seemed to go uphill forever in the beginning. But who are you going to yell at in the middle of the savanna?”

Herbert, 49, says he’s a regular runner, but wants to drop 60 pounds before participating in full marathons. “I always sign up for a marathon and end up doing the half-marathon,” he says.

Still, Herbert is no stranger to running in unfamiliar terrain, having raced in Alaska. “I said if I can do that, I can do this one.”

In Kenya, where elephants visited their campground, he was bowled over by Quirk’s dedication. “Just the physical and mental work you have to do to do this is unbelievable,” he says. “It’s a wonderful thing to really give back to others who may not be able to afford treatment.”

Herbert raised $14,000 for his effort in Kenya, and half of that came from one family whose daughter Herbert helped to successfully overcome an alcohol addiction. After leaving the center to pursue a nursing degree, she died in her sleep.

She had remained sober for two years before her death. Herbert was asked to give the eulogy at her funeral, and later the family sent a check for $7,000 for the marathon fundraiser. “They were so grateful they were able to have their daughter back,” Herbert says.

Despite the physical difficulties with the altitude and uphill terrain, Herbert says he wouldn’t trade the experience. “It was an adventure, and I’m glad I did it.”

For Quirk, the adventure is ongoing. She is still training for her last marathon in Antarctica with her coach, former Olympic marathon team member, Keith Brantly, and says she’ll never stop traveling.

The environmental challenges in each location have given her new incentives that keep her training fresh. To prepare for Antarctica, she’s running this winter in the cold weather and higher altitude of Montana, where her family owns a home. “I’ll learn to maneuver with layers of clothing and gloves,” she says. She’s also focusing on endurance, rather than speed. Her training always involves time in the gym, and for Antarctica she’s also using the Stairmaster machine.

Quirk typically runs six days a week, lifts weights on two or three days, does Pilates two days, and bikes for three days.

“I usually do two to three disciplines in a day, which works out to two and a half to three hours per day,” she says.

“I try to do it all in the morning, and then I’m done for the day.” Nutritionally, Quirk focuses on staying healthy in the various countries. That means she brings her own bottled water, and oftentimes, her own food.

“I didn’t eat a lot of the food in China, because if I were to get a parasite, all bets are off. I brought oats and applesauce, and ate a lot of sticky rice.” Dedication aside, Quirk is hard-pressed to name her favorite country, or anything that stands out among all the races. “Every race had something.

You’re in the moment at all of these,” she says. “In China, being on the (Great) Wall itself—it’s hard to explain the view, and then running through these villages and witnessing the big smiles on these kids’ faces because once a year they see outsiders, and it’s on this day.”

In Easter Island, with only 4,000 residents, Quirk was struck by the isolation, and in Africa, she learned to appreciate the lessons of the third world.

“You come back from there thinking we have nothing to complain about. Here, we have a chance if we just grab it. People in the U.S. have to take a look and reassess how fortunate we are.”

Most of all, Quirk says she realizes the issue she is running for—successful treatment of drug and alcohol addiction—is a global one. The 7 on 7 quest, she says, “has gotten bigger than I ever thought it would. It has mushroomed into this amazing journey.”

Judy Martel is a freelance writer and the author of “Dilemmas of Family Wealth: Insights on Succession, Cohesion and Legacy,” published by Bloomberg.

CHARITY SPOTLIGHT Petra Levin

“FIRST AND FOREMOST, I’m a mother,” says the Caron Renaissance Gala chairman, Petra Levin. “Part of what led me to support Caron Renaissance is their focus on families.”The easy-going and loving mother of two children and three step children—a total of 13 children if you count her dogs— says that raising dollars and awareness for Caron’s programs has become a passion. She has been immensely dedicated to making the annual gala in honor of Caron’s Lifesaver Scholarship Fund a tremendous success.

“My husband, Stephen, jokes that he needs to schedule an appointment to see me,” says Levin. “But he supports my dedication to removing the stigma associated with the disease of addiction. We need to get people talking about addiction so the healing process can begin.”

To that end, Levin recently introduced Caron to the Benjamin School, where daughter Davina is a sophomore and her stepson, Andrew is a junior. Caron and Benjamin partnered to present a forum and book signing by Caron alumni Chris and Toren Volkmann, a mother-son duo who co-authored From Binge to Blackout.

In addition to raising awareness, Levin has masterfully raised critical scholarship dollars for Caron. Under her leadership, an astonishing $1.3 million was raised at the 2008 Gala to provide scholarships to those in need of treatment. They will now be able to benefit from the extended care programming at Caron Renaissance.

In recognition of her efforts, Levin was recently named to Caron’s national board of directors, in addition to her role on Caron’s Florida board. When she’s not planning the next Gala for Caron, the Palm Beach beauty with the great sense of humor can be found on a plane to her home in Vermont, with husband Stephen, or behind the lens of a camera, perfecting the next great shot. Levin’s voluntarism extends to other organizations, including co-chairman of the LIFE Gala, a board member of the American Folk Art Museum in New York, the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation, 211/The Center for Information & Crisis Services, The Simon Wiesenthal Center and Children’s Home Society.

The fourth annual Caron Renaissance Gala will be held on February 27, 2009 at 7 pm at The Mar-a-Lago Club in Palm Beach. For more information and to purchase tickets, please contact the Caron Renaissance event line at 561.655.7770 or visit Renaissanceinstitute.net.

The Modern Day Mistress

An exposé of the “other” woman
BY SHARON LEVINSOHN

FORGET THE NOTION of mistresses clad in frilly lingerie channeling a Marilyn Monroe vibe—they are the exception to the rule. There is a new crop of modern women—who don’t fit that old stereotype—that are happily dating married men. What might have seemed scandalous years ago has become rather commonplace.

It seems that modern day mistresses—girlfriends, really—are on the rise, especially among upscale professional women. If you can wrap your head around this phenomenon, you will be surprised to learn that these women are a lot like you or me. They are educated, working women who just happen to be in love with married men. Consider this tidbit from one savvy attorney in Naples named Laura*, “If you are not sleeping with your husband—especially if he is handsome and/or successful—you can bet that someone else is.”

The facts are alarming: Over half of all marriages end in divorce and another percentage are in trouble. It is no secret that many couples stay together due to financial constraints or because they have children (and don’t want to break up their families). Unfortunately, many marriages just don’t work. Roommate marriages (couples coexisting without sex or passion) are all too common. If you are a healthy, sexual being, you will naturally search for relations outside of your marriage, especially if your marriage has segued into a friendship/roommate situation. It is not surprising that this unhealthy marital climate has given way to the modern day mistress/girlfriend to supplement the lives of sex-deprived married men.

One prominent investment executive in his 50s, named Bob* from Fort Lauderdale, explains, “I’ve spoken with plenty of my colleagues and most of them see nothing wrong with extra-marital sex. Some of them admit that they married the wrong person, while others claim that the passion has simply faded with their wives, and they don’t want a complicated divorce. There are so many attractive, interesting women out there, that it is easy to find someone who truly desires you. Most men don’t want to live without sex and affection, and if they can’t get these things at home, they just naturally look elsewhere.”

Bill*, a successful Orlando-based entrepreneur in his 40s adds, “It’s not like I don’t love my wife, but the physical aspect of our relationship is not part of the equation anymore. She’s busy with her
job, and she’s a great mother, but my wife isn’t that sexual to begin with. I made a conscious decision to keep my family intact—my kids are my priority— so I found someone else that fulfills my sexual and romantic needs. I am lucky that I found a girlfriend who truly understands and accepts the situation. This is a mutually satisfying relationship. When you think about it, she has helped to ‘save’ my marriage.”

If the men are this cavalier, what about the women? Don’t they want more? Do they feel guilty? How do they negotiate these relationships? Consider Susan*, a 43-year-old, Ivy League-educated financial advisor in Miami. She is respected in her field, attractive, smart and funny. She has also been dating a married man for the past five years. She explains, “I fell in love with him the minute I met him at a business networking event. He is everything that I have ever wanted—passionate, compassionate, intelligent and incredibly good at his high-profile job. He is also married with two young children, and he made it clear that he would not get a divorce any time in the near future. He is in a roommate marriage—he and his wife are co-parents but they are not lovers. He even admitted that he wanted to back-out before his wedding, but that he went through with it out of a sense of obligation.” She explains, “I know that it may seem crazy, but our relationship works for us. I have just accepted that you can’t have everything.” She notes that while she experienced feelings of guilt at first, the more she got to know her boyfriend, the guilt just disappeared. Susan continues, “We have an unusual connection on many levels, so I just decided to get involved. He has told me, that before he met me, he never thought that he would feel any real passion again. Life is not black and white anymore—we live in shades of gray. It is really one of the most satisfying relationships of both of our lives.”

Sandy*, a 48-year-old Boca Raton-based marketing pro echoes the same refrain. “When you reach a certain age and you’re single, it is inevitable that you will get involved with a married man. A lot of the men my friends and I have met, feel stuck in loveless marriages, but cannot afford to get divorced and support two households. My boyfriend has worked out an arrangement—everything is out in the open. His wife is content to shop and go out to lunch—she refuses to work— and she knows about me. We plan on marrying when the children are in their teens.”

Sometimes, these relationships actually morph into marriages sooner than later. Just ask Tampa resident Laura*, who recently got engaged to her fiancé John*—who just got divorced. She admits that it was a long road—fraught with frustration (she spent holidays with friends, while he was with his wife and kids) and a lot of sneaking around over the past four years. Despite the obvious difficulties, she is happy that she decided to take a chance that it would work out. “I met him on a business trip—I did not even know that he was married—and we hit it off instantly. After spending a few days together, we jumped into this long distance relationship. I decided to stick it out because I fell in love, and I have never been happier.

I hear my married friends complain all of the time—they don’t feel that they have options—but many of them, who were initially resentful and disapproving of my relationship, have come around. They like him a lot. Our relationship is more mature and more special than any others that I have had—it just took a bit longer for him to extricate himself and weather a rather costly divorce.”

It is interesting to note that all of the women who were interviewed for this story admitted that they never thought they would end up dating married men. They also stressed that they had never dated married men before their current boyfriends. Susan* adds, “At first, I looked down at women who dated married men. I thought that they were desperate, immoral and insecure. Once I met him and fell in love, though, I changed my views. In some cases, these outdated rules are definitely meant to be broken. At the end, it’s all about being really happy and feeling content and loved.”

Dr. Lyn Kaller, a psychologist in private practice in Scarsdale, New York, explains that a lot of these married men justify their affairs through a lie of omission. She says, “It’s easier for them to live with the lie than to tell their wives that they feel lonely or neglected and that they really desire a sexual relationship. Also, many of these men do not realize that their wives are perpetually exhausted and that sex may be the last thing on their minds. A lot of women are carpooling, doing errands, taking care of the kids and the house and working. By the time that they finish dinner, help with homework, and get the kids to bed, they are ready to collapse. Before these men seek out other women, and have affairs, they could try to address the lack of intimacy with their wives. These couples can go to counseling, to better understand each other’s needs and where they are coming from, and they can learn to set aside some time for date nights, which naturally include affection and sex,”explains Kaller. The lack of communication, or the unwillingness to communicate, is what really hurts intimate relationships. Everything can be worked out—couples just need to be honest and to share their feelings.”

On the flip side, it is important to understand why there are so many wives that are hanging on to marriages that don’t include sex but that do include a third person. The majority of the married women who were interviewed for this piece cited money, companionship and convenience as the reasons that they have stayed in their roommate marriages. Others admit that they still love their husbands but have no real nterest in having sex with any consistency.

One prominent Palm Beach wife explains, “We had a great relationship for many, many years. I think that the passion that we had when we were young just naturally dissipated. I love him—and I know that he loves me—but I am not really interested in sex anymore. I’m sure that hormone levels are partly to blame. I told him that as long as he is discreet, he could see omeone else. I also set up some parameters— no one that we both knew and no one in our home town. Funny, but I think this “other woman” takes a lot of pressure off of me. I no longer have to just go through the motions. Since my desire and my sex drive have dropped off dramatically, this was a solution we could both live with. I also happen to know that this arrangement suits many of my friends, as well. Some of us talk about it, while others would never admit that their husbands have someone ‘on the side.’”

Dr Kaller adds, “It’s really about finding what works for you. If you are both happy, living as friends or roommates, and sex is not part of your relationship, that’s okay. If one of you wants sex on a regular basis, and one of you is not interested, there is a problem. You can seek counseling, separate, divorce or seek an outside relationship. But, if you choose the latter, you need to think about what might hapcontinued outside relationship. But, if you choose the latter, you need to think about what might happen when the relationship deepens and the girlfriend/mistress wishes to get married or live together.”

“That’s when it gets more complicated,” notes Bob*, the Fort Lauderdale investment pro. “I had to end a serious relationship, which had gone on for several years, because my girlfriend just got fed up. She wanted to get married and she eventually gave me an ultimatum. I was not willing to get divorced so she walked away. I still miss her, but I would not break-up my family. I decided to put my kids’ needs first.”

Laura*, the Naples attorney, has her own theory about this situation. “You have to realize that every relationship requires negotiation. Couples need to define the terms of their marriage and, as time goes on, redefine those terms. Life changes, desire ebbs and flows and people develop different needs and priorities, so all couples need to adjust to these changes or the relationships will eventually die. Life is made up of a series of choices and it is important for all couples to make choices that they can live with. I know plenty of people who have affairs, while others prefer to muddle through passionless relationships. Many couples choose to get divorced and seek more compatible partners. You only go through life once, so you should try to be happy.”

* All of the names, cities, and defining details have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals who were interviewed for this article.